If You're Gone
by KaT aka Mistress Shinigami
Summary: Noin contemplates why Zechs disappeared after the war. She ponders suicide and what road her life should take, and then she has a nighttime visitor 6x9


A/N: I was listening to his song on my headphones…and it has so much emotion in it that I almost started crying...and I don't cry too often. I love Matchbox 20 and this song reminded me of Zechs and Noin. So I thought I'd write a lil ficlet! Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, or the song "If You're Gone," but if Rob Thomas or Duo are for sale…well let's not go there…

"If You're Gone"

            After the final battle, Zechs had disappeared into space. He seemed to have a knack for disappearing, especially if he was needed. Noin shuddered, wrapping her arms around her knees as she sat. It's not that it was cold, she just felt cold inside. 

After the war ended, she had been confident and cheerful. She knew Zechs wasn't dead. Her friends worried about her, as if they thought it was best if she just let go. But she had always shrugged them off, a small twinkle in her eye, saying, "I know he's out there." Noin's friends would give her skeptical looks, and she knew they probably whispered behind her back. She hadn't minded at first, but after awhile Noin began to doubt her own words. 

            _I think I've already lost you._

_            I think you're already gone._

It's not that Noin thought Zechs was dead. There was no way in hell anyone could convince her of that until they had his dead body right in front of her. No, he was alive. That was a fact. What was troubling Noin, was how he felt for her. Surely if he cared about her, he would at least let her know he lived. She wouldn't tell anyone of the visit. Hell, he trusted her with his largest secret in the Academy, why should this be any different? Noin fought with herself. Half of her wanted her to believe that he still cared for her, and that she wasn't just another soldier in the war. But another half had doubts, major doubts. Then another half that came out of nowhere said that she loved him but he could never love her. She cried out in frustration, running to her room where she grabbed her workout clothes. He had to still care.

            _I think I'm finally scared now._

_            You think I'm weak, I think you're wrong._

            She slipped into her clothes, heading towards her spare bedroom, which she had turned into a mini-gym. She began pounding the punching bag mercilessly. Half of her pretending it was Zechs, while the other half wishing it was her own body she was beating. She gave the bag a jab with her knee, but her thoughts were not on her exercise. What had she done not to deserve his respect? Maybe he thought she was too weak. But Noin shook that thought out of her head. No way, she was the only one at the Lake Victoria Military Academy to actually keep up with him. 

            Did he even miss her? She knew she missed him. Maybe he was mad at her for not fighting with him in White Fang…maybe he found someone else…maybe he had amnesia. All of these thoughts coursed through Noin's brain, but each one she could easily disprove. Then the old question sifted into her brain, ripping through her heart. Maybe he didn't love her. Hell, maybe he didn't even care for her. Then Noin's mind slipped back to a day in the war. Zechs had been flying towards Peacemillion in Epyon, and Noin had blocked his way, refusing to fight him and refusing to move. He had been unable to kill her…so maybe he did care. Noin's heart skipped a beat as she continued to thrash the punching bag. But, that didn't mean he loved her. She wasn't exactly sure when she had fallen in love with Zechs, but she knew that it ran deep. She also knew if it was unrequited that she couldn't take it. Maybe the disappearance was his way of leaving. Maybe he never planned on seeing her again. Noin gritted her teeth in anger and frustration. 

             _I think you're already leaving._

_            Feels like you're hand is on the door._

That had to be it. He was disappearing in order to never see her…or anyone else. But…forever? That seemed like an awful long time to Noin. She couldn't help it, her throat started constricting and she stopped punching, sweat running down her face. "Zechs…please not forever…" she whispered. Her voice cracked slightly, and to keep from crying she began knocking the punching bag senseless again. She was hitting the bag harder than usual, and each punch traveled up her arm, a strange tingling sensation. She ignored it, thinking, again, about Zechs.

            She couldn't understand it. They had been best friends in the Academy, and had even stayed that way while they were in Oz. She thought their friendship had been solid. Hell, even being on different sides of the battlefield didn't stop them. But looking back on it all, her assurance began to waver.

            _I thought this place was an empire._

_            Now I'm relaxed, I can't be sure._

She had done her best to show him how she felt without actually saying it. She had even admitted to his sister, Relena, that she loved him. That was probably a bad thing to do, but she couldn't stop herself. No, it couldn't be my fault. Noin told herself. She kicked the punching bag, and then gave it another jab with her knee. Why would he do that? Why, why, why, why, why, why? She couldn't stop asking herself that one question. "Why Zechs?" she whispered, giving the bag an extra hard punch, causing the tingling sensation to sting a bit. Noin shrugged it off again. 

            Noin had constantly thought what it would be like to have Zechs return her feelings. To have him love her. Every time these thoughts plagued her, a smile would inevitably creep to her face. It would be wonderful to have Zechs in her life. Just to see him again. She could almost feel his hand brush across her cheek. But of course it was just her imagination, causing her face to become hot, and her eyes began to water. 

            _And I think you're so mean._

_            I think we should try._

_            I think I could need, this in my life._

She cleared her throat, an attempt at causing her eyes to quit watering. This helped somewhat, and she was able to go back to her thoughts. Noin could definitely have Zechs in her life. That was all she needed in order to have everything she wanted. In fact that was all she wanted. All she needed. Noin knew it sounded stupid, not to mention weak. But all in all it was the truth. Noin was reluctant to admit it, but she was scared. In fact she was terrified. Now that the war was over, Zechs had no obligation to let her stay with him. In the war she had fought with him, but why would he need her now? The truth was, there was no reason for him to want her. No reason for him to stay with her. 

            _I think I'm scared._

_            I think too much. _

_            I know it's wrong. _

_It's a problem I'm dealing._

This was driving her crazy. She had to stop thinking about it. Maybe that was her problem. Maybe if she tried to act like Zechs would come back and did love her, then she wouldn't have these mental struggles with herself. Dammit, she could never fool herself. Noin stopped punching the bag, massaging her temples. "I'm thinking too hard," she whispered, followed by a quiet plea, "Zechs please come home." 

Noin wasn't one to take things lying down. If she wanted do to something, then you better not get in her way or all hell breaks loose. If she even had the slightest clue or indication of Zechs' whereabouts she would be gone like a flash. She wasn't some puppy dog. She did not enjoy sitting and waiting…but…she also didn't enjoy dating other men when she couldn't help but compare them to Zechs.

Noin swung her fist at the punching bag, but before she reached it she collapsed to her knees. She looked at her knuckles and saw the source of the tingling sensation. Her breath came quick and shallow, hurting her lungs. 

_If you're gone,_

_Maybe it's time to come home._

_There's an awful lot of breathing room, but I can hardly move._

Blood ran from her knuckles and dripped onto the floor, making small splashing noises as Noin kneeled stock-still. She had trouble moving, though she couldn't understand why. And her breath was coming in short gasps, not pants, which it normally did after a workout. Finally she couldn't hold it in anymore and she cried. Covering her face with her hands she sobbed unrestrainedly, the first time she had cried in a long time. Blood smeared on her face from her hands, but she didn't notice. Everything had built up on her until she just couldn't take it anymore. Her frame shook as the sobs racked her body. 

After awhile she attempted to stop herself, and was able to control her cries down to soft whimpers. She needed him more than she knew.

_And if you're gone, baby you need to come home._

_Cause there's a little bit of something me_

_In everything in you._

 Noin finally made up her mind. She would forget about Zechs. It would be near impossible to get over him; she knew that. But she also knew that she couldn't live like this anymore. Weeping on the floor like a baby wasn't getting her anywhere. She had to get over him; there was nothing else she could do. 

"It's going to be hard," Noin whispered to herself. She got up and went to the bathroom where she had a first aid kit. She wrapped her knuckles in some gauze, and washed her face. When she was done all evidence of her sobbing had been erased. She tried to smile at her reflection, but her smile was hollow and fake.

She walked out onto a small balcony, looking up at the night sky. It was a beautiful clear night out. There was even a full moon, but it seemed dull to Noin. She grimaced. Even the stars don't shine when you're trying to get over someone, she observed wryly. Noin couldn't understand it; she had always adored the night sky. "Like I adored Zechs," Noin thought, before mentally slapping herself. Those thoughts would not help her recover in the least. Damn, even the stars didn't twinkle like they normally did. 

_            I bet you're hard to get over._

_            I bet the room just won't shine._

Noin could stay here and take care of herself. She didn't need Zechs; hell, she didn't need anyone. She knew if she stuck it out long enough, she would get over him. 

            Noin could not believe what he was doing to her…and he wasn't even here! Noin silently made a vow to herself: if he ever did come back, she would not act like she normally did. She would not fight beside him or even be his friend. She knew it would take such lengths to get over him. And she would try her hardest to get over him. She would do whatever it took.

            She wondered how Zechs could stay away from everyone for so long. She knew he acted like he didn't need anyone, but she knew he pushed everyone away if they got too close. She knew he needed more than that.

            _I bet my hands I can stay here._

_            I bet you need - more than you mind. _

She kept telling herself she didn't need him, but thoughts kept plaguing her. Pictures of the two of them at the Academy, laughing together. Memories of the night Zechs told her his true identity was Milliardo Peacecraft. The two of them sitting and talking together in their Oz uniforms. Zechs flying towards her in Epyon, before swerving at the last second. 

            _I think you're so mean_

_            I think we should try_

_            I think I could need, this in my life_

_            I think I'm scared, that I know too much_

"I don't need him," Noin whispered. But she was afraid. In fact she was deathly afraid of going on without Zechs. She had become so used to him being there, and vice versa. She wasn't sure she could live without that.

            "Shut-up! Of course I can!" Noin yelled at herself, pounding her hand on the railing, causing a shot of pain to come firing up her arm.  

            She had no idea what to do; she had never been in this situation before. And it was all his fault. She was only feeling this because he was gone.

            "Damn you!!" she shouted.

            _I can't relate _

_            And that's a problem_

_            I'm feeling_

_            If you're gone_

_            Maybe it's time to come home._

Noin leaned heavily against the railing, her breath becoming shallow. "I don't think I can do this…" she whispered. No tears fell, and she did not even whimper. All she did was sigh, sagging against the balcony rail, as a thought suddenly occurred to her. "I could jump…"

            She was five stories up; the fall would surely kill her. 

            _There's an awful lot of breathing room_

_            But I can hardly move._

_            If you're gone, baby you need to come home_

_            There's a little bit of something me_

_            In everything in you._

All of her hurts would vanish. She would no longer miss Zechs. Everything would be perfect. Well, not perfect…

            _I think you're so mean_

_            I think we should try_

_            I think I could need_

_            This in my life and_

_            I think I'm just scared_

_            Do I talk too much?_

Noin climbed up on the railing, just sitting there. She moved up to a squat and rested there, but she couldn't bring herself to jump. Part of it was this nagging hope that Zechs cared for her, and part of it was that she could almost feel a hand on her arms, signaling what a huge mistake she was making. Then she realized that someone really was trying to stop her from jumping. Noin didn't trust herself to move, so she stayed squatted on the railing. 

            _I know it's wrong_

_            It's a problem, I'm dealing_

The hand moved to her stomach, encircling her waist, where it was joined by another hand. Strong arms then lifted her off the railing and set her down softly on the balcony. Noin still didn't move. She couldn't believe she had almost jumped. She was going to get through this, and she would get over Zechs.

            Noin spoke to the person behind her, not facing them, "I'm sorry you had to see that," she said softly, "but I'll be fine, you can go now. Just don't tell anyone at the Preventer's Office, all right? Sally would have a fit."

            _If you're gone_

_            Maybe it's time to come home._

The person behind her chuckled, and Noin'd breath caught in her throat. Now she knew who that was, and it wasn't anyone with the Preventers. It wasn't anyone she'd seen in a long time. She didn't dare look behind her. She knew the person behind her could either make or break her.

            __

_            There's an awful lot of breathing room_

_            But I can hardly move._

Noin realized the arms were still wrapped around her waist, and she stepped away. She hardened her resolve to not give in. "Noin…" she heard him whisper.

            "How long have you been here?" Noin asked coldly.

            Zechs ignored her question, spinning her around so she was forced to face him. Instead, she looked at the ground. He was making it harder than she thought.

            "Long enough," Zechs whispered, taking her hands, his finger brushing against the bandaged knuckles. He kissed her hands softly, causing a gasp of surprise to come from Noin.

            _If you're gone_

_            Maybe you need to come home._

"Don't hate me, Noin," Zechs said quietly, tilting her face up so she was looking at him. Noin tried to stay cold to him, but his ice blue eyes were looking at her with so much intensity. He really thought she hated him. He took her face in his hands gently. "Noin?" he inquired again.                      

            Noin shook her head. Of course she didn't hate him. She felt her resolve slipping and she tried to look away, but failed.

            Zechs stroked her cheek, "Noin I…" but Noin stopped him by putting her hand to his mouth, "Don't," she said, "say you're sorry. I am so tired of it."

            Zechs smiled sadly, "That's not what I was going to say." Noin faltered. She tried to pull away from Zechs, but found it was impossible. She hated how he was making her feel, and hated even more that she didn't want it to stop.

            _There's a little bit of something me_

"I love you Noin," Zechs said, "and I hate myself for what I put you through." He told her gently. And all Noin's resolve melted when he leaned in and claimed a kiss.

            _In everything in you._

A/N: A little sappy at the end, But I couldn't help it. Hope ya enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. And btw if you don't have the song "If You're Gone," you hafta get it sometime. It is an awesome song!! * sigh * it kinda depresses me though cause it reminds me of my ex-boyfriend….but…I won't go there. Anywayz please review, it means so much to me, u haf no idea!                                ~KaT aka Mistress Shinigami  


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